Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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