life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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