yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
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I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
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This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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