I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
