i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
