Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
