Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
