so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
