When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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