she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Randomize
