my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
