I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
