I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
