my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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