you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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