Your face is a jimmy john
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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