Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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