I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
