i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
3pm strippers are depressing
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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