I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
