She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Four minutes until I can fart!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
