First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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