tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
