you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
