Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
