remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
