at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
