Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
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He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
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I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Terrible idea I love it
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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