I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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