just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
