Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
