The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
