Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
