New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
