I met the friendliest cop last night
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture