I think I just saw someone hide a body.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?