my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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