just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
