Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I bet he comes in French.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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