He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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