Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
