He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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