can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
