A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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