I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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