Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
