I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
