My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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