My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
