i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
