I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
