can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
