i think my mom watched the whole time
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
