can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
