what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
