I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
