Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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