I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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