it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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