I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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