In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize