My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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